A land without rain...

one of the things i liked when i first moved to columbus was that there was a good local music scene...i don't know when it died, but there certainly seems to have been a death, and there lso seems to be a lack of bands touring through here...it makes me sad...

sometimes i'm a stupid girl, with stupid girl thoughts...get over it :)

i spent too much on new shoes...completely justifiable though :)

now i want chocolate...

instead i will go to the gym tomorrow. i used to go to the gym all the time. i have started again. i need to get in shape. i need to change my shape. so i want chocolate, but i want to get in shape more...

i woke up from a dream last night and sent a text message to the person in the dream telling them about it. then i had a dream that when i woke up i had a text telling me to call them. when i called they told me that i needed to back off and stop texting them. i went back to sleep in my dream and when i woke up i was sure that it was real. it wasn't. it was just a dream. the kind of dream that i can't shake. and somewhere my subconscious is telling me to stop texting. and i've been using all of my will power not to smoke. maybe i'll have a cigarette and put my phone to rest. i don't know why i'm letting it bother me when i doubt that it makes any difference to them one way or the other whether or not i text. and i hate my brain. i hate the obsessing. i hate that i can't make it stop and just go to sleep because it haunts me even there...maybe they'll text me and break the silence. i won't be holding my breath because i might suffocate...

on the upside i have christmas eve off to spend all by myself. oh yes, that is dripping with sarcasm. i have vacation days that i need to use up. even taking a few days for christmas i'm not going to have used them all up. i had thought that i was going to use them for new years, but i think that i'd rather take my chances with christmas. maybe i'll get exactly what i want this year...

i'm afraid my sales weren't high enough today. this is the part of having my own store that i hate. the part where i have no control, but will take all the blame...

i took my crew food so we wouldn't have to leave and fight mall hell to eat...

and i faked being over-joyed so much that i almost felt like i was in the christmas spirit...but there was this thing poking at me all day, like a splinter in my shoe...this thought in the back of my head...still i was in a good mood...i've gotten good at being in a good mood, even when my body chemistry wants something different...fake it til you make it :)

are we sure it's november? i'm thinking it feels more like october. halloween is any day right?

modern family might be my new favorite show.

i forgot about the part of quitting smoking where i have to detox. i hate this part :/

i think you should know that i lied to you. i have only lied to you intentionally once. it was just once. it wasn't all that recently. it was a stupid lie. it was a lie meant to spare your feelings and cover my own ass. it was a lie that didn't risk hurting anyone. it was a lie that i can't get beyond because it kills me that i lied to you. i have lied to you when i was lying to myself. i have lied to you when i had no idea that i was lying to you. i have only lied to you intentionally once. it was just once.

i have been in a great mood today. i feel like myself for the first time in weeks. i feel happy. i have been working on controlling my compulsions. i cannot make the obsessing go away, but neither can i have the object of my obsession. so i'm throwing myself back into work. that's where i find happiness, when i don't let myself get distracted. when i focus i can get so much done. i had a productive day. i am ready for friday. my store is ready for friday. i have a new employee who will get to find out what it means to sink or swim. and i will fight my compulsions because if i fight my compulsions long enough maybe my obsessing will be less relentless.

i hate this time of year. i'm thankful for the sunshine. it is what is keeping me going. i haven't been smoking. i kind of miss it. my store was not pretty when i came in today. it did not make me happy. i'm lonely. i need a good book that i can escape into, so that when i'm not connecting with anyone in the real world i can connect with the characters in a world someone else put on paper...a book that does not have a sad ending. a book that can make me believe in all the things i've lost hope for...family, love, happy endings, closeness, the ability to shape my world-rather than a world i want to run away from and hide under the covers...

and i'm not all that depressed or sad, just lonely...so i'm going to go home and read a book, or take a nap, or play with my kitties or my snake, or write letters that i shouldn't send...

i'm going to stop writing here. making myself look pathetic is not going to earn me any friends :)

i am a whiny bitch when i am sick :(

i will never take vacation while staying home again. i don't feel like i've actually had a vacation. it's no one's fault but my own really. i work from home, so when i'm home i think about work. for vacation to feel like a vacation i need real time out of the city. my three days away last month felt far more significant than the week i just had...

i spent my entire day in pajamas...this is what i call vacation :)

last night i was reminded that when i drink i talk a lot...i just ramble on and on. and i repeat myself :)

i think i'm going to quit smoking again. i'm just not enjoying it lately. i find myself wanting a cigarette and i start smoking and then i throw almost the whole thing away because i just don't really want it. the act of smoking is the hardest part of the addiction for me to get over. the mental addiction. the habit.

i'm not good at breaking habits. sometimes it takes years. sometimes i don't even try because i really like the habit. and there are other habits that i have. and i don't want to break those habits right now. so i'm going to work on smoking...and my other habits will just have to accept that i'm not going anywhere soon because it's not just a habit it's an addiction...and it's an addiction i don't want to let go of...

my vacation has officially started and i have exactly 19 hours and 40 minutes to get myself. my car and my apartment visitor ready...wish me luck :) i had two months for this, and somehow here i am at the last minute hoping i am not the cause of ohio being a super sucky vacation...

i am so tired, and i can't sleep. i should clean. i need to clean my car. i have so much to do in the next two days. work takes up so much time that i need a vacation to get ready for a vacation...

i cannot deal with my fucked up hormones. and i can't take the silences when i am all tied up in knots over nothing, and simply need reassuring. when did i turn into such a fucking girl? i want to go stand in the middle of the sunshine that i know is beaming outside and pretend that it is warm. i was fine a couple of days ago and i'll be fine again in a couple of days, but in the mean time i'm stuck in the middle of this little hell happening inside of my head.

i need desperately to clean my apartment. anyone want to come over and hang out while i clean? i seem to be having problems being there alone, and it's rather difficult to clean from someone else's house. :)

i had a fantastic, relaxing, amazing trip. it was all too short, and i didn't want to come back to columbus.

david sedaris was great...i got lots of much needed laughter...

i'm going to see david sedaris tonight...woohoo!!! maybe this will help me shake this depression i've been experiencing in waves...

it might be time for me to stop believing in truth by omission...

the poem i posted was for a class. and there are days when i feel that way. today is not one of them. woke up tired, but in a good mood, and have stayed that way despite shitty customers and bad weather...take that universe...i'm feeling unreasonably chipper regardless of your attempts to bring me down and crush me like a bug pltthhhtt... :p

the loneliness is suffocating
walls closing in
ceiling coming down
darkness surrounds
can't catch my breath
can't stop the tears
this less like solitude
more like drowning

the overcast weather in the concrete city seems to have brought back the funky mood i thought i had kicked...i want to go back to the moon...

i took a trip to the moon and i think i am in love...

today was a good day :)

i just wrote a check for $1200 that won't be in my checking account until friday, and that will drain my account. my cat has a urethra blockage, and once they had put the catheter in, which was pretty immediately, there was no turning back or saying, "i think that i could probably take him to a regular vet for less." i've been in a serious funk that last few days anyway, and now my cat is in the hospital for the next two days. i won't be taking a vacation next month because any extra money i have is now gone. i'm lonely and sad and broke. i think i'm going to see if i can get some over-night visitors or maybe stay at other people's houses for the next couple of days. i just don't feel like i can be alone...

i might be ok if i can just get some sleep. i haven't slept hardly at all since thursday.

if the email was up on the screen on my computer...yep, i've looked, and then been lied to. in general i don't go snooping through other people's stuff. i have the curiosity for sure, but i prefer to respect people. and i have a way of asking the hard questions and getting the answers i'm afraid of, so i guess it doesn't leave much need fr snooping :)

he is leaving for the moon, and i will stay here on earth. and maybe someday i will hijack a rocket ship and run away to a world where i am never supposed to be. it's time to say good-bye.

so far my day off has been spent in a long work meeting, cleaning my apartment, and trying to fight off a sinus headache...

i really need to schedule a vacation, and it just doesn't seem to work in to my schedule or my budget. it's a paid vacation. it shouldn't be so difficult to figure out. i just don't want to waste it. and i don't want to end up working during it, which means that i need to leave the city. if i am here i will end up in my store. or i'll spend the whole time in my apartment not doing anything fun or vacation like...unless of course someone would like to come visit me ;)

what exactly is the point?

i signed up on a personals website. i didn't realize how desperate that was going to make me feel. i've been single for a long time. i'm pretty sure i was single for most of my last relationship. i don't have time to meet people in real life. i rarely see anyone outside of work, and i've been stuck on the same stupid mall crush since last year. i've even tried to have crushes on other people. lame, i know. so in an attempt to get over my crush, and maybe go on a date or two i made a stupid profile on a stupid personals website. worst of all, it has served as no more than a reminder that the only people interested in me are people i find seriously unattractive, either physically or by personality. i am not interested in dating someone that has no job, gets drunk daily, doesn't care about personal hygiene, or thinks that because i have piercings and tattoos that i'm some sort of cyber slut. the whole thing was a bad idea. and i barely have time for a stupid mall crush...don't know what i was thinking when i decided i might have time for a real date anyway...

i haven't seen fight club in a long time. i forgot how much i like this movie, and how true it stays to the book...

i think it might be time to give up...now if i can only stop the obsessing...

i'm feeling frustrated and stressed, and i really just want to take a day off. really take a day off. i want to be able to turn off my phone and tune everything out and not feel so on edge. i want to make my thoughts take a much needed vacation.

there's a new show called Drop Dead Diva on lifetime. It starts this week, and it's Margaret Cho, so it's bound to be fantastic...

come visit me!

i think i develop emotional attachments to my obsessions. unhealthy, unreasonable, uncontrollable, emotional attachments...and then i confess, spill my guts, break my heart wide open and let it all come pouring out...and it always ends in rejection, and hurt, and complication...

this time i've decided to let my will-power win. there will be no unnecessary confessions. just some rambling here in my journal, where i'm simply the girl that loves ellipses, and insists on being vague and vies for the days when she could be poetic...

there is furniture in my new apt. but i am feeling overwhelmed with moving and trying to keep up with the store and homework. there isn't enough time. i think i am caught up for the week so far. i just need to remember to finish my accounting homework before 11:55 tomorrow night and start chemistry...ack..

i need sleep so i can open the store in the morning :)

ok so, i'm moving as much as i can make myself move in my car tonight. i really want to move my furniture, and everyone knows that when moving, more is better. so if anyone is available tomorrow around or after 6-ish i would really appreciate your help. i really will get as much as possible moved on my own, so that there is minimal work. i just really want to be have a bed and a couch there :)

so: monday 6pm
the place near cooke, to the place near north campus
should only be a few hours at the mostest
call or text or stop by my work if you think you can be of assistance :)
i would really hate to rent a truck and then not be able to use it...

i don't care if boys are super confusing...making out is fun, and i got to make out in my apartment for the first time already...and i don't even have furniture yet ;D

i have come to terms with the grimy tub...

i have electricity at the new place. now i need to arrange for cable/internet (which i mght put off, but i'm taking classes online and if i'm getting the internet i might as well spend the extra few dollars and get cable too...

also i need to get the gas turned on. i have to actually call, and i've been stressed so i haven't gotten around to it. then furniture and tada, i will have my very own place...weird...

ok maybe not disaster, but definitely disappointment...

when i looked at the apartment i wasn't able to look at the bathroom because the toilet was ripped out and being replaced. as a result i saw the bathtub for the first time today. clean bathrooms are a really big deal to me. the bathtub is in really bad shape. it's rusted at the drain and the bottom is just gross looking. technically i suppose it works, but it would have been enough for me to not have taken the place. i contacted the landlord and was told that they will absolutely not replace the tub and that if i don't want the apartment i can pay rent until they can get it rented. argh! and the most frustrating part is that i know better than to not check everything...

so now i'll be spending a year hoping that i can shower at other people's houses. it's seriously bad enough thtat i don't want to get in the tub...at all. i'm hopeful that maybe it will crack at the bottom or actually have some major issue that leaves them with no choice but to replace it...i even offered to have them increase my rent or to share the cost somehow...

oh well, guess there will be no baths after my next surgery. i signed the lease, so i'll just have to make the best of it...

i find boys to be incredibly confusing

the first round of moving will be june 18th and 19th. if anyone is available those days i would really appreciate the help...

i get the keys on the 16th, and i'm going to be at the place cleaning that night, cause no matter how clean the place is it won't be clean enough for me to move in. then i'll start moving boxes in my car that night and the next night, and help for any of that is also welcome, but it's the big stuff that i really need help with. i just need to know that i have help before i rent a truck :)

i just finished with my post-op visit. my doctor came in and said "your uterus is kind of funky."

in the end i was diagnosed with an angry uterus, but it's not cancer. i have to go back for another procedure some time in the next two weeks. apparently she wasn't able to tell what the shape of my uterus was, and there was so much extra tissue and stuff that wasn't supposed to be in there that she wasn't able to find the opening to my left fallopian tube...

si this time i will be having dye inserted directly into my cervix and then i'm going ot have an mri. not as scary as last time, however chances are good that the previous surgery will have to be repeated some time in the near future since there was too much tissue for her to safely take it all out at once without a clear picture of what else was going on.

the tests revealed that i have complex atypical hyperplasia. for now my doctor is putting me on the nuva ring so that i am receiving a constant dose of hormones, and then there will be the mri, probably another surgery, and then we see where it goes from there.  this means my risk for cancer is even higher than previously thought.  this is usally the point at which a doctor will suggest hysterectomy, and i could feel it coming while i was sitting there with that stupid sheet over my half dressed body, and i felt the tears welling-up, and i didn't know in that moment what my response was going to be.  and then it didn't come.  instead my doctor wants me to have check ups every three months, and we'll see what happens with the mri.  the chances of kids is looking slimmer every day.  and i know that i'm not even in a realtionship, and i'm almost 30, and kids are less likely all the time anyway, and i still don't know for certain that i want any, but i'm not ready to give up on it copletely, not until they tell me that it's not ever going ot happen, and i want to keep my uterus.  i don't care if it's angry.  i'm angry, and i don't want to be thrown out so the uterus will stay just as long as i can stand it....

now here's hoping i don't get cancer and regret all of this....

i met with my district manager and the president. i am now the GM of MY STORE!!!! for those of you who don't know what that means, it means that i do not have to go to a store that i was not as excited about, i get to stay at the store i have put blood sweat and tears into. i get to stay with my team. the current manager is transfering to the airport store. i am SOOO EXCITED!!!!

i get the keys to the new place on the 16th. i'll move boxes and small stuff first, and then i'll rent a uhaul and get the big stuff all at once. if anyone has any free time to help with any portions it would be appreciated, but moving the big stuff is when i will need the most help.

i got an email from the president of my company today saying that he wants me to meet with him and the district manager on tuesday. they are coming to my store. this could mean i am getting a promotion. so hard to tell because he gave me zero indication of what the meeting is about. i just can't imagine what else it could be. i'm just afraid to get my hopes up.