Posted on 2011.05.25 at 00:17
i do not like not getting what i want, so i'm relentless about working for it until i get it...
Posted on 2011.03.20 at 19:40
i'm feeling really down today.
Posted on 2011.03.17 at 00:40
i just agreed to clopen again tonight...i didn't have to go in until noon tomorrow...what is wrong with me? oh well, at least i might be there for part of the walk. i also learned today that the interviews for the position i want are in fact taking place in my store. at least i know who will be interviewing me and when. i just hope it goes well. i'm suddenly nervous!
Posted on 2011.03.15 at 21:20
i'm willing to face the consequences later if i get to feel good now. i've been shattered for far too long, and right now i get to feel myself glued back together, and i'm just glad to be in one piece...
Posted on 2011.03.12 at 17:10
If your astrological sign has changed, do you think your personality more resembles your current or past sign?
the new astrology isn't based on the same astrological calendar that the original was. it's like saying that because i'm a goat in chinese astrology i'm not an aquarius...so no one's astrological sign changed, they just gained a new one if they have decided that they want to follow this new guys astrological calendar...
Posted on 2011.03.10 at 22:22
i am who i am and i don't think i should have to apologize for that.
Posted on 2011.03.06 at 20:39
my mind is a clusterfuck of emotion. i had a good weekend, but i'm not at all ready to go back to work tomorrow. i am not ready for the 6 day stretch with a clopen at the beginning and the end. i am not ready to face rejection. i am not ready for lots of things.
Posted on 2011.03.05 at 13:54
where am i: home, but on my way out...
playing in my head: criminal minds
sooo..sleepy. redbull, please give me some energy and keep me awake for the trip to ky. this is a totally last minute, not planned for me to go trip to see a comedy act that i'm bound to enjoy. i think getting out of town will be good for my mental health, and hanging out with the odonnbidwellell clan won't hurt any either :)
Posted on 2011.03.01 at 22:39
i don't have cancer.
Posted on 2011.02.28 at 00:52
i'm feeling...: lonely
playing in my head: just the ringing in my ears
I am in love with the man on the moon and stuck forever here on earth. and perhaps what my mother said really does apply to me too, and I am destined to spend my life alone and unloved. I have been used up and disposed of. and now I am stuck, unable to move on...
Posted on 2011.02.24 at 20:26
where am i: the ice cold living room
i'm feeling...: empty
playing in my head: big bang theory theme song
i hate it when people just blow me off. i would much rather be told to fuck off than to be ignored. i done being used and thrown away, and i'm done believing in love and possibilities...i have seen nothing but proof to the opposite. and i'm going to run my ass off every chance i get and do awesome at my job and i'm going to stop being distracted by stupid boys that have no intention of doing anything but using me...
today was better than yesterday, because i simply gave up...
Posted on 2011.02.22 at 20:19
i couldn't sleep last night, and i found myself sending pointless texts at 2am, trying to find some relief from my racing thoughts and worries. after very little sleep i drove dom to dayton so she could petition for graduation, and then we went on a ridiculous hunt for windshield wipers that fit my car...and still the thoughts are haunting me, and i am sleepy and have lost all sense of willpower...
Posted on 2011.02.21 at 23:08
i want to sleep...really sleep...sleep really well...
Posted on 2011.02.20 at 11:53
i'm feeling...: indescribable
playing in my head: dream on...
i don't care that it is cold. i need to go running. i need to clear my head, and between the drive to hoover and the run i'm hoping i can do that. i'm feeling ok overall, just had nightmares and it caused me to wake up feeling a bit anxious...
when it comes to relationships, the committed kind or not i feel like i am often used up and discarded. it makes me sad, when i think it should make me angry...
Posted on 2011.02.19 at 21:45
i thought you would call...i know it was just my stupid relentless hope, but i have never been good at giving up on people...
Posted on 2011.02.19 at 19:43
i'm feeling...: blah
playing in my head: top chef: target edition
two girls who are new to the neighborhood asked me how old i was when i was getting out of my car. i was expecting them to ask me to buy them cigarettes or alcohol. it turns out they're just new to the area and thought that i might want to be friends. while it was flattering that they thought i was a teenager, it was also a little disheartening to see the look on their faces when they processed that i had said 31, and they clearly thought that was quite old...oh how i miss thinking 31 was old...
Posted on 2011.02.18 at 22:28
i like running. i like pushing myself. i like feeling my muscles ache. i just need to do it more so that i can do more of it....
Posted on 2011.02.17 at 00:40
can someone please teach me how to just give up and move on?
Posted on 2011.02.13 at 12:00
i'm feeling...: optimistic
playing in my head: neil patrick harris: dream on
today i am feeling positive and hopeful. i feel good about life, like i can have the things that i want. and i'm asking for them. i'm putting it all on the line and giving it a chance, and if i don't get what i want, at least i know that i gave it all i had. even if i all i have right now is words :)
Posted on 2011.02.13 at 02:13
i'm feeling...: exhausted
i want a rainy spring day so that i can splash puddles and dance around laughing like a little kid...
Posted on 2011.02.12 at 01:40
i was asked today: "so if i ignore you, you will just keep repeating yourself until you get a response?" this was from a co-worker and someone that has known me for over a decade, and sadly i had to respond with "yes, i have realized recently that is just how i work."
Posted on 2011.02.10 at 22:52
i find it incredible that i am so very easily forgettable...
Posted on 2011.02.06 at 22:56
I'm not good at giving up. I am haunted by the hope that I can't let go of...
Posted on 2011.02.05 at 10:17
i think it is time for me to stop hoping, stop waiting, stop believing in love. it is time for me to settle in to the idea that it is just me, and may always be just me. and that's ok. i like who i am. and i'm not interested in collecting any more baggage. i have abandonment issues, and i'm pretty sure most people don't know i exist when i'm not in the room. and that's enough. i've had those for long enough that i'm used to carrying them around with me. i don't need to go stuffing anything else inside. so i'm giving up and moving on...
Posted on 2011.02.02 at 13:29
i have identified the baggage that i picked up from my last relationship...non-relationship...whatever...the important thing is that i have identified the baggage...and now maybe i can unpack it and leave it behind...or maybe i'll just post a warning label: no response leaves me hoping that there is something positive to come, while being certain that you don't even remember i exist...
Posted on 2011.01.30 at 00:48
i don't know how to give up, even when i'm pretty sure that i'm reaching for the impossible...
Posted on 2011.01.29 at 04:37
I just had a nightmare about my step dad, which I haven't had in quite a while. this one was different though. I was out of town somewhere and my mom was home having a party and she showed up where I was. she said he had shown up @ the party and she left and called the cops on her way to me. I talked to them on the phone and they were there but he wasn't. somehow the scene changed and I was outside my moms and the cop was there talking to us. she was a pretty female police officer, whom I think. was prob from my real past. anyway, she was taking statements and then we went inside. someone said that the cops had actually had him @ some point but let him go because he hadn't done anything wrong. he had violated a non contact order. I looked out the window in the back door and he was out back chopping wood. an odd thing since that was never real. anyway I told the cop that if she would step out of view I would get him to come up so she could arrest him. I opened the door and he asked if I wanted to talk. I said yes and he came up to the house. he was wearing bright pink silk two piece pjs. I mention this because it makes it feel less scary. he walked in and I stepped back and he was arrested. the cop put the ankle shackles on him and attached them to his hands. my mom just cried. and I just looked at him and said...what I wanted to talk about was how you'll be going away forever. his face became crazy and distorted. like the guy from rodger rabbit. this isn't usually how these dreams go for me. usually he is trying to kill me or my mom, but he never got the chance this time. so even though I woke up feeling the anxiety of a nightmare maybe I'm finally moving into a place in my life where I can move past the trauma he has caused.
Posted on 2011.01.28 at 22:51
sometimes i find myself feeling very confused by people
Posted on 2011.01.24 at 12:28
i don't go back and read my lj that often. and mostly i just post about whatever crap emotions i'm having at the moment so that they are here in the little black box and not in my head. as a result it has been pointed out to me that my lj is depressing. all i can say is that i like to keep the happy thoughts...lol
i find that life is often disappointing, and i haven't yet learned to let go of all expectations. i still manage to have fun most of the time. so just for the record, just because my lj is always depressing, doesn't mean that i always am :)
Posted on 2011.01.22 at 07:16
i can't sleep. i don't feel well. i don't deal well with people disappearing, even people i barely know...
Posted on 2011.01.19 at 15:01
i slept until 1:30 today...which is ridiculous. i went to bed at 7, woke up for a while around 10 and went back to bed just after 11. completely unnecessary. but at least at this rate i should have plenty of energy for all of the excitement i'm hoping to have this weekend!
Posted on 2011.01.18 at 18:55
there is no reason for me to be so tired. i slept for hours and hours...and now at 7pm, i find myself ready to go back to bed...
Posted on 2011.01.15 at 20:13
where am i: home
i'm feeling...: giddy
i stayed at nick's last night, and had a great time. i didn't get any sleep, but i knew that i wouldn't when i decided to go, since i only had 8 hours between shifts to begin with, but whatever, this early on part of dating is the fun part, the giddy part, the part that i don't want to miss out on for a good night sleep...
Posted on 2011.01.09 at 22:36
what the fuck is wrong with people?
Posted on 2011.01.06 at 21:49
i hate being sick. i'm whiny and needy. it just sucks!
Posted on 2011.01.04 at 10:35
Your Daily Horoscope
Join others for stimulating conversation and purposeful dreaming, Aquarius. You aren't alone in your thoughts and strong opinions. Now is the time to be heard. Work toward maintaining peace by exposing truth. Take the time to create fantasy in your world by diluting the fears of reality. Make decisions based on love, cooperation, and prosperity instead of neediness, trepidation, and anger.
given my recent avoidance of reality i think this horoscope is probably one of the best pieces of advice i've gotten from the little glowing screen in a while...
Posted on 2011.01.01 at 11:26
i'm feeling heart-borken and alone today. this isn't how i want my year to begin. so i'm going to go back to sleep for an hour before i have to get up and get ready for work...
Posted on 2010.12.30 at 21:03
i'm pmsing....i spent the first half of my day wanting everyong to go away and let me be...i was irritable and angry, and now i'm all sad and lonely...i fucking hate this...i should go to bed and sleep until the new year is here and hope for something more to come...
Posted on 2010.12.30 at 01:25
i had my first official wednesday night close tonight. i hate to say it, but i'm glad the LOD was sick. it gave me a chance to prove myself. i don't think that he would have given up control and let me do my job the way he did if he hadn't had the plague. and now he knows what i can do, and we talked about it at the end of the night. it set things off on the right foot.
Posted on 2010.12.28 at 22:03
i want to be more healthy, but i'm not good at it. my hormones are an easy excuse. and they have been making me terribly off balance for the last couple of day. i almost fell at work yesterday and i fell today and slammed my knees into the hardwood stairs. if the awesome bruises i'm expecting come to fruition i'll post some pics.
i am painfully self-aware sometimes. i know what my baggage is. i know what my issues are. i know where most of them manifested from. and none of that does me any good, because the warning label i have slapped on myself seems to be ignored by people until they find the truth annoying and find me to be disposable. i've been lonely a lot, and i am thankful for the people that have been around int he last week or so...there is a certain sadness that lingers, but it is mostly easy to ignore when i am with others...and if i could just convince my heart to stop wanting i would be so much happier...
Posted on 2010.12.26 at 17:52
i can't believe the year is almost over, and how different things are now than they were ayear ago...
Posted on 2010.12.25 at 19:34
bringin' it back for laura :)
i've heard several people say recently that they miss LJ, but we can bring it back if we work together :)
Posted on 2010.12.07 at 19:43
my heart hurts :(
Posted on 2010.10.29 at 20:43
my wages are being garnished for 25% of my pre-tax wages for a credit card that was never actually mine...and i had until the 9th to dispute it with the courts, and only got the letter today, with my first garnished check...so i will be moving...this is what they mean when they say "life happens"...and if anyone is looking for a charity to donate to, i'm not above taking hand-outs...
Posted on 2010.10.24 at 23:55
Do you plan to dress up this year? If so, who or what are you going to be?
i'm going to be little red riding hood and melissa is going to be the wolf in the grandmas clothes...i'll post pics once i've completed my costume :)
Posted on 2010.10.14 at 13:09
my hormones are out of whack, i'm an emotional wreck, the person i let myself fall in-love with moved on without ever letting me love them, and i realize that i am typing the story of my life. i am following the pattern that i have been following forever. i try to believe that one day someone will love me back, that some day someone will tell me that i was more than just a way to get by until they found someone they actually wanted to be with...and then i find myself sitting alone, sad and pathetic...
Posted on 2010.10.10 at 23:17
i am going to make things happen...with my mind...i'm in a weird mood...kinda sad and kinda silly...probably delirious from not sleeping or eating for a few days...tomorrow i am taking my first hot yoga class with natalie...i think it is going to help me in many ways...
Posted on 2010.10.03 at 00:48
i'm working hard to get in shape. i hit a plateau and got discouraged. it should be getting easier. i'm far more active at work than i was before. so i think that i just need to start concentrating on my nutrition, and my toning and strength training. i have a goal for my birthday, and right now i'm really not on track to meet that goal, so i'm going to have to kick some serious ass to get there...and i can't let the cold weather get in my way...
Posted on 2010.09.29 at 22:58
i'm feeling...: okay
i would like some pancakes...for the person i love to show up at my door and tell me that they love me and pancakes...
Posted on 2010.09.28 at 15:27
what i want is simple and basic...and maybe the most complicated thing ever. i keep trying to get answers without asking questions, and i keep wondering if i'm ever going to be able to just let go of my fears and get to the point. i wonder if i'll ever just come out and ask for what i want so that if i can't have it at least i can try to change what it is that i want...